


Scrooged at Crossroads

by apisa_b



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bendemption, F/M, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, ghost - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-18 17:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16999749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apisa_b/pseuds/apisa_b
Summary: Kylo Ren is workaholic Grinch with anger management issues - until his life is changed by falling in love and being visited by a ghost.





	Scrooged at Crossroads

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MeadowHayle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeadowHayle/gifts).



> This is a response to the Reylo Fanfiction Anthology's "When the Blazing Fire dies" Fanfiction Exchange.
> 
> Dear MeadowHayle, I really hope you like what I did with your prompt!

October 2002

The gray autumn sky made the day feel glum, almost a reflection of the dark thoughts raging inside the tall boy storming towards the old playground near the woods. Of course, they would blame him for the incident without even hearing what he had to say. That was the problem once one had a certain reputation; people were only too willing to lay the blame on you. All it took was someone who thought that maybe you had been passing by at the time, and – bingo - the culprit was found. And really, that was all he had been doing, passing by on his way to the school library, minding his own business, when he’d heard some noise in the broom closet next to the lockers, and he’d stopped. When he’d heard it again, some sort of whine, he’d opened the broom closet and found the kid with a bloody nose cowering on the floor, crying and begging not to be hurt even more. That had been the exact moment when the janitor had happened to amble by, and immediately jumped to conclusions, dragged him to the headmaster, who in turn had not even listened to a word he might have had to say, but signed him up for detention right away.

True, Ben had been responsible for more than one bloodied nose in the course of the last school year. He was different, too tall, with too big ears and a funny looking face, and he preferred to be alone, for he had not many interests in common with his peers. He would be an ideal candidate to pick on, if it weren’t for the small detail of him having a nasty temper, prone to lashing out when being provoked. Mostly it was his word against those of many about who’d started the fights - the word of the popular kids against that of the sullen loner. After the third time he’d just stopped defending himself, for nobody tended to believe him anyway, including his parents.

Ben had been too focused on his inner turmoil to notice much of his surroundings. He had no particular idea of what might have transpired since he left the headmaster’s office, whom he might have passed, or why his legs had decided to carry him to that old derelict playground, or how he found himself sitting on one of the swings. Only when a small finger poked him in his arm was he pulled from his dark thoughts and looked up. Before him stood a small girl, head cocked, grinning at him, revealing a missing front tooth.

“I’d like to swing,” she lisped.

“Well, too bad. I’m sitting here.” He knew he was being a brat, but he didn’t find it in himself to care.

“Oh come on!” She stomped her foot. “You aren’t swinging anyway. You can go and sit on something else.”

“Or you can go and use the other swing.”

“The other one’s broken.”

Ben looked over to the other swing and noticed that indeed the seat was cracked.

Ben glared at the girl, but she didn’t back down; the grin on her face had been replaced by a scowl, and her hands were stemmed into her hips. She looked too cute, trying to look stern and intimidating with her slight body, funny hairdo and the freckles smattered over the bridge of her button nose. Despite himself Ben had to chuckle, and slowly got up. The girl hopped up on the swing in an instant and started to swing.

“My name’s Rey. What’s yours,” she asked while gathering momentum.

“Ben. But isn’t Ray’s a boy’s name?”

“No, it’s not. I’m a girl, and that’s my name. So it’s a girl’s name.”

“Never heard of a girl with that name.”

She didn’t deign that comment with an answer, just swung higher.

“Can you push me, Ben?”

Maybe it was because she was cute, or maybe because she was the first person today -no, scratch that, not just today, but in a long time - that didn’t treat him with trepidation, and she spoke with him like he was just another kid. Without second thought Ben went behind her and started to push her even higher. Her answering laughs and whoops warmed his heart and made him smile. Had he ever been that carefree? He must have been, mustn’t he? He remembered trips to the fancier playgrounds on the other side of town, accompanied by the current au pair in his parent's employ. They’d never pushed him as high, though, probably too afraid of what might happen if he got hurt on their watch.

“Why are you alone here? Why isn’t your mum with you?” Ben inquired, unsure if a kid at her age should be on the playground completely alone. She just shrugged - a feat, considering her being in full swing.

“I’m always alone.”

Ben frowned at that.

“How old are you anyway?”

“I’m six,” she said proudly.

Six-year-old kids shouldn’t be running around alone in Ben’s book, but what did he know. The only reason he had not been alone at that age was probably because his parents could afford to employ babysitters or au pair girls.

“How old are you?” she wanted to know after she’d hopped off the swing, face flushed and joy radiating off her in waves.

“I’m 15.”

“Aren’t you too old to hang out on a playground?”

“I’ll give you old,” Ben groused, grabbed her around the waist with one arm and started to tickle her. The little girl squirmed in his grip, giggling, and only after she asked nicely, did he stop tickling her.

As the shadows started to lengthen and the light started to fade, Ben made sure Rey got home safely. He walked her towards one of the dilapidated houses down the road, where she claimed she lived with her parents. The house was dark and unwelcoming. It was not what Ben would have considered an ideal home for a kid. The garden was untended and overgrown, the roof was missing some shingles, the glass in one of the second-floor windows was broken. All in all, it was a dark and gloomy place the girl lived in. At Halloween kids probably were afraid to knock there.

Ben decided he hadn’t had as much fun in a long time, and all because of that tiny slip of a girl. So, he returned the following day, and the day after that, and soon going to that playground and meeting Rey became the highlight of his days. He didn’t even want to contemplate what that said about the state of his life, that spending time with a six-year-old on a playground was the one steadily bright spot in his life. Ben even tried to curb his temper these days, so he wouldn’t put his time with Rey at risk. Thankfully he never actually had to do the detention that had been issued the day he met Rey, for the kid he’d found had spoken up and rectified the situation. Otherwise he was sure he would have been grounded.

As the days grew shorter and the weather became colder, Ben noticed how thin Rey’s clothing was. She only added one other layer, and never actually wore a thicker jacket, and Ben had never seen her in anything but the same worn sneakers. Ben had gotten in the habit of wrapping her in his scarf whenever she stopped moving around, in fear she would catch a cold. One day he conveniently forgot to take it back after he’d walked her home. He also started to bring snacks for Rey whenever he went to the playground, after he’d caught Rey eying his leftover sandwich hungrily one day. Rey never asked for food, though, but practically inhaled it whenever it was offered to her.

But then one day Rey failed to show up, and she didn’t return the next day either. On the third day of her not showing up, Ben knocked on the door of the house he had accompanied her to, only to find it unlocked, empty and abandoned, not looking as if anybody had lived here recently. As he walked through the shabby rooms with stained floors and paint peeling off the walls, he wondered just what sort of people Rey’s family must be to have left a house in such a state. In one room he found a shabby mattress on the floor, and on it a ragdoll covered in orange cloth, which in all probability belonged to Rey. With tears in his eyes, Ben let his fingers trail over the coarse material out of which the doll was made. This was all he had left of her. This and the memories of the time spent together.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

November 2017

“God damnit!”

His fist slammed down on the steering wheel, which oddly enough did nothing to calm him down. Impatiently he pressed the button of the remote, which should open the barrier to _First Order_ Inc.’s parking garage again and again, but the damn thing didn’t even quiver. Finally, he noticed that the little red light, which normally appeared when he pressed the button, did not light up; the fucking battery had died on him while he was out for a business lunch with some members of the Hutt Syndicate. Great. Where was the parking attendant when you needed him? Oh, right. Hux had recently decided that they didn’t need one. The new IT system controlling the barriers was foolproof, he’d said, no attendants needed anymore in the parking garage; just a surveillance camera and an emergency connection to the doorman in the entry hall. He pressed the call button and listened to its ringing, once, twice, and a third time … his hands started balling into fists again. He really didn’t have time for this…

“Yes, how can I help you?”

“Kylo Ren here. Open the barrier,” he barked out.

“When are you planning on leaving, sir?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“When you plan on leaving after 6 pm, nobody will be here to let you out again,” the faceless voice explained.

“The battery in my remote died. I’m going to change it and can let myself out, you moron.” His fingers were now drumming on the steering wheel impatiently.

“I’m sorry sir, that won’t work. If I open the barrier now, the IT system won’t know that you are inside, and thus won’t open for you when you want to leave. I can only let you in, when you will be driving out before 6 pm.”

“Now listen, and listen good. You are going to open up that barrier right now, or – “

“I’m very sorry sir, but I do have my instruction. Have a nice day.”

With those words the line went dead, but the angry beast inside Kylo Ren, never sleeping and always poised to rise at the slightest provocation, became very alive. His hand shot out towards the call button, but the line stayed silent. Kylo had the sneaking suspicion that the faceless voice on the other side might belong to the doorman whose contract ended tomorrow. He’d know, because he had signed the termination of the contract.

With a huff he backed out of the driveway onto the street, in search of a parking lot. His hopes of actually finding one near the office building on a Wednesday afternoon were rather slim. When he spotted a free lot parallel to the curb on the other side of the road, just a couple of hundred meters away from his office, he recklessly u-turned his car, and parked in before anybody else could snatch the free space away from under his nose, got out, and upon seeing no meter, all but sprinted back to the office. He already was late for his next meeting.

When he was able to leave the building five and a half hours later, it was already dark outside; nearly as dark as his mood. As expected, Alexander Snoke had not been pleased about The Hutts’ evasive tactics regarding the upcoming deal. The Hutts were always trying to keep loopholes in the contract, but it was Kylo’s job to make sure there weren’t any, and as he was very good at his job, it made them reluctant to sign the contract for the deal, despite its being promising to be a very profitable one for both sides. After having had to bear Snoke’s tirade about his incompetence to get The Hutts on board, which then expanded on his other, apparently numerous shortcomings – all in the presence of the CFO, who looked like the cat that got the cream throughout this – he had to work through the plethora of emails in his inbox, most of them from Snoke, for despite all his shortcomings and his incompetence Snoke wanted his opinion on a lot of things. And all of them, of course, were urgent.

By the time he was able to leave the office, he was so keyed up, that he desperately needed to work off steam. He was eager to change into his training gear and work off his frustration at the gym. The punching bag would receive a good and very satisfying pummeling, before he would even be thinking about moving on to other exercises.

He opened and balled his gloved hands in anticipation while walking down the streets with long strides towards where his car was parked, paying no heed to other pedestrians s who scrambled out of his way. He was used to it; being rather tall combined with constantly wearing a frown on his face had this effect on other people. When he finally reached his car, he did a double take. This couldn’t be true. Some asshole had effectively parked him in.

“Fuck,” he spat, and looked at the old and battered looking pick-up double parking just so that he had absolutely no chance at being able to maneuver his car out on the street. The tail-door was open, so the owner couldn’t be far away. Taking in his surroundings, he noticed the entrance to a café – a café, since when was there a café on this street? - and he figured that the owner of the offending vehicle probably was in there, getting his fill of caffeine or whatever. Kylo opened the cafe door and asked in a manner that hopefully conveyed how displeased he was with the situation, whether the owner of the double parking pick-up was in here. The patrons looked up, shrugged and went back to whatever they were doing, but the waitress, an admittedly cute looking dark-haired woman, stepped his way, and somehow she looked as if she knew something about the situation.

“All right there, do you know whom this car belongs to,” he barked at her without preamble.

“Good evening,” she said pointedly and looked past him out on the street.

“For the last time, where’s the owner of that goddamned pick-up that’s blocking me,” Kylo spat, convinced that she knew the owner of the car. Something must be happening behind his back, for the waitress’ look of alarm suddenly changed to relief.

“Can I help you,” he heard a female voice address him with a rather sugary undertone. He spun around, ready to chew her out, and then stilled. Standing before him, bathed in the light that fell out of the café’s window and the street lamp, was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Her hazel eyes regarded him with curiosity and annoyance, and the longer he looked at them, the more he felt like drowning. Her brown hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, and his hands suddenly itched to release it from the hair tie and run his fingers through it. He shook his head, struggling to pull a sufficient amount of air into his lungs, and to break the connection. His eyes travelled down the length of her body, and he crossed his arms, trying to disguise his interest and attraction as something else.

“Hello,” she called, waving a hand in front of his face. “Anyone home?”

He shook his head again, and took a step back, before he regained his composure. He had been caught staring. Not only staring, but mentally wondering what she hid under that oversized hoodie she was wearing.

“Is this your truck,” he bit, motioning towards the pick-up.

“Technically not.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That it doesn’t belong to me. But I might know the owner.” She crossed her arms, pushing her breasts up, involuntarily allowing Kylo a better sense of their size. He had to clear his throat. That woman quite the effect on him, he had to admit.

“I don’t care. Just move it.”

“What?”

“It’s blocking my car.”

“Is it,” she asked with that sugary undertone she’d used before, and looked up on him through her lashes and a slight pout, which drew his attention to her lips.

“Yes, it is,” she continued. Suddenly her voice was inflected just so to show her annoyance. “Because you decided to block the loading zone, asshat. Be thankful we didn’t have you towed.”

Glancing up, his eyes fell on the sign indicating the parking restriction and confirmed that yes, indeed he was parking in a loading zone. He had entirely failed to notice that earlier, but he was not easily cowed.

“It is past seven. The parking restriction ended at six. I’m well within my right to park her,” he said smugly, and pointed his finger at her.

“You weren’t at half past five, when we arrived to unload.” A flicker of something changed her features momentarily, but it was gone before he could even try to make sense of it. “You have two options,” she continued. “Either you go and drink a nice calming tea inside this charming place here,” she gestured in the general direction of the café, “or you help me unload the last boxes. It’s up to you. Whatever you decide, we’re not going to move the truck unless everything has been brought in.”

Having had her say, she spun on her heel and marched towards the pick-up. Apparently, she was in the process of moving to the neighborhood.

“You are not exactly making a good impression, blocking people’s cars on the day you are arriving.” He followed her to the car, stepping into her personal space, trying to intimidate her. That normally worked like a charm. In this case it had its disadvantages, for he was able to get a whiff of her citrusy perfume, and as she tilted up her head to look up at him, he noticed how she nibbled on her lower lip. He had to gulp.

She placed her hands on her hips, not appearing to be intimidated at all.

“First of all, I’ll have you know that I’m well established in this neighborhood already and don’t need to make good impressions, least of all to you. But if I were new around here, you wouldn’t make a good impression either, acting like you’re the king of the welcome team from hell.”

“I needed to be somewhere like an hour ago. So. Move. Your. Car.” He enunciated each word carefully and his eyes bore down on her. She only looked at him defiantly, then turned and bent to grab the last moving box out of the pick-up, and his eyes zeroed in on her denim-clad ass. Big mistake; his blood rushed south, and his wit left the building.

When she straightened up with the box in her arms, she just looked at him and brushed past him. All he could do was stare after her, completely dumbfounded. He hadn’t been turned on like this by someone in a long time. He exhaled in a huff, barely noticing that a man with dark hair stepped around him, closed the tail gates of the pick-up, started the car and moved it, clearing the way for him.

“Holy shit,” he mumbled to himself, before he opened his car to get in.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next morning Kylo Ren stormed out of the elevator towards his office in an even fouler mood than usual. Not having had enough sleep usually had this effect on him. Last night thoughts about a certain brunette woman had kept him awake, and he was not pleased about it.

He’d hit the gym pretty hard after his encounter with that sexy and sassy whirlwind, trying to forget the embarrassment he’d suffered at her hands, but his thoughts returned to her again and again, always with immediate effects on his member. He even had to resort to touching himself in the shower, picturing her; his dick had not been satisfied with this perfunctory wank though, and had demanded his attention again when he woke from dreams about her later that night.

The Christmas tree currently being set up next to the elevator soured his mood even further. It was the last day of November, and the countdown to Christmas would begin in earnest the next day. Christmas decorations were going to be multiplying like rabbits, everywhere he went he would be hearing Christmas jingles, at every corner somebody would be collecting something for one charity or the other, everybody would wish him a happy holiday – there would be no escaping the false cheer; for he considered the whole holiday season fake. Why should everyone suddenly be more generous, or more cheerful, only because the date on the calendar changed? Quite the contrary, he’d say, for more family drama happened during holiday season than the whole rest of the year. December was a stressful time in business, and yet they were expected to allow their employees to waste time with even more socializing, what with all the gift exchanges going on, and the talking about what to wear on the office holiday party, or gossiping what had happened on those parties last year.

So Kylo pressed his lips together even further and ground his jaw. The mere sight of his stormy face caused people to move out of his way. When he passed his assistant’s desk, he didn’t bother to answer Mitaka’s morning greeting, but rushed past him and opened the door to his office forcefully enough that it bounced off the wall and slammed shut behind him. Originally all office doors had glass panels, but after he had broken 5 glass panels in a row with his dramatic entrances, he got to have a wooden door. Instead, next to the door a small vertical glass frame had been installed – it wouldn’t do that somebody had privacy in his office at _First Order Inc._ after all. Through said glass frame his assistant could see when he was needed, and in return Kylo had the space next to his assistant’s desk in full view. Normally that was something positive, for next to Mitaka’s desk was a window with a beautiful view over Coruscant. Right now though, a Christmas tree was being set up in front of said window. That wouldn’t do. That wouldn’t do at all. A muscle under Kylo’s eye started to tick, and he balled his fists, stood up and stormed out of his office.

“Don’t you dare an set up this tree here where I can see it all day,” he all but shouted at the janitor, who had been tasked with bringing up the trees. All talking in the various cubicles stopped, and some brave souls dared to peek out to see what was going on.

“But – “

“No but. And while you’re on it, no Christmas decorations in the meeting rooms either,” he ground out to the general audience. “This is non-negotiable.”

He was towering aggressively over the bulky man, hands balled into fists, eyebrows drawn together, effectively cowing him. The man nodded dejectedly, and started to move the tree away.

Nostrils flaring, Kylo let his gaze roam around, and his eyes fell on a dark-skinned man laughing with a fellow colleague, who happened to step out of the elevator that very moment, carrying a gingerbread house candle.

“Trooper,” Kylo spat out, “Don’t even think about lighting that candle at the office. That’s a fire hazard.”

Behind his back several employees, among them Ben’s own assistant Mitaka let similar items vanish inside drawers.

“N… No, sir, of course not. It’s just for decorative purposes,” was all the wide-eyed man could splutter.

“It better be,” Kylo responded harshly, turned and strode back into his office.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second time in the span of not even a week Kylo Ren found himself standing in front of the little café he hadn’t even known existed until last Wednesday. Once again, he had been forced to find parking space outside of the _First Order_ premises, this time because of some blip in the ’foolproof’ IT system operating the automated car park barrier. The system had stubbornly insisted that the parking space was full, and no car could be allowed to enter before another one had left, despite only a hand full of cars being parked in the vast area. Needless to say, the head of the IT department had been thoroughly chewed out first thing when he arrived in his office, after having wasted 20 minutes of his day by searching for a public parking lot – carefully avoiding the loading zones down the street - and walking back to the _First Order_ building.

The day proceeded in a strange fashion. For the first time since he’d started to work for the legal department at _First Order_ , five years ago, Snoke had not turned up for the daily department meeting, which caused some unease among the assembled executives. After waiting for about 20 minutes, Kylo had called Snoke’s home, where he was able to get hold of the butler, who in turn informed him that Mr. Snoke was not feeling well and a doctor had just arrived for an examination. In all the years Kylo had known Alexander Snoke, the man had never missed a day at the office because of some illness; he was too damn stubborn for it.

Of course, the gossip mill had started immediately, and soon rumors about the impending demise of the CEO were making the rounds. Kylo decided to ignore them for the most part, for an order to cease and desist spreading rumors would only amplify them, and without knowing more himself he couldn’t send out any contradictory information. If he were honest with himself, he had to admit that the day had been one of the more pleasant days he had spent at work, without Snoke spamming his inbox with messages – all of which demanding an answer – every couple of minutes. Hux, the current CFO and the bane of his existence since Snoke forced them first to share a dorm room, and later an apartment while at university, apparently thought he had to step up and fill Snoke’s shoes in that regard, but answering Hux’s mails could be delegated to his assistant in good conscience. Funny, how being able to actually work uninterrupted and stay focused on a task without someone constantly breathing down his neck made his permanent scowl nearly disappear. Not even the drop in the value of _First Order_ stocks after the press got wind of the CEO’s illness could dampen his suddenly almost good mood.

So, it happened that even after the cumbersome beginning of his workday, at the end of that day Kylo Ren walked down the street towards his car with a spring in his step and in an uncharacteristically good mood, which couldn’t even be dampened by the now ubiquitous Christmas decorations and songs wafting out of stores. When he reached the little café, he stopped and peeked inside. At any other given day, he would have sneered and called the place a typical hipster meeting point, but today he admitted that he actually found it to be cozy. Mismatched sofas and loveseats were grouped around battered looking tables, all which were occupied by an odd mix of patrons ranging from young people bent over their notebooks, apparently using the free wifi, to mothers knitting and watching their kids play in a designated and lovingly decorated play area in the back of the room, and even some people in business suits were hanging around. In the back, behind the counter, was the sassy brunette again, preparing some beverage.

Almost without a conscious thought on his part, his body started to move towards the door and he entered the café and walked up to the counter.

“Welcome to Resist It, I’ll be with you in a second,” the young woman said while pouring a hot beverage, probably only having seen seen someone step up to the counter out of the corner of her eyes. She looked up with a smile plastered on her face – but when she recognised who was standing before her, her expression froze. The memory of their last encounter was probably threatening to override her professional cordiality towards customers.

“Uhm, that’s all right. I’ve not decided what I’ll have anyway.”

She looked at him, wide eyed, and nodded jerkily, placed the cups she had been filling on a plate and carried it to a table in the front, while Kylo stared at the beverages on display. He understood most of the coffee related entries, but how on earth there can be so many different brands of teas on the menu, was beyond him.

When she returned behind the counter, she looked at him expectantly, but warily.

“So, what can I get you,” she finally asked, having apparently decided to treat him like a normal customer.

“What would you recommend?

“To you? Probably some calming tea,” she said in a challenging tone.

“I hate tea,” Kylo stated, and looked at her challengingly.

“Of course you would,” she snorted. “What teas have your tried?” she asked him unperturbed.

“Chamomile, when I had a stomach ache.”

“Small wonder then. Who doesn’t hate chamomile tea,” she laughed. “Have you tried any other teas?”

“No, not for a long time.”

Her hazel eyes gazed into his pensively for a moment.

“Ok, you know what, since you are a new customer – how about I brew you a cup of tea I think you might like, for free of course. A welcome present of sorts.”

“Good, surprise me then –” his eyes fell onto the name tag she wore. “– Rey.” He stumbled over her name, and blinked as old, nearly forgotten memories resurfaced.

“You’ve got an unusual name here,” he then stated. Rey looked at him for a moment, as if she waited for something.

“Spelled with an e and not an a – so it’s definitely not a man’s name,” she then said, after a beat.

“Besides, you’re definitely no man, so it couldn’t be just a man’s name.”

At that she cocked her head and looked at him appraisingly.

“Exactly,” she nodded, still searching his face with her eyes.

As she started to prepare his tea, he turned and looked around, taking in the framed pictures, some of them were showing Rey with a ragtag group of children and teens around a swing, a card thanking the patrons for their donations to a group home underneath, and announcement for various workshops hanging next to the counter.

“Are you teaching those workshops?” he asked curiously.

“Mhh, some of them. Rose, the co-owner of this place teaches crafting workshops like knitting, crocheting, sewing or baking. I do the DIY related ones. Teach people how to do simple repairs. We also host repair afternoons, where people offer to repair things in exchange for, let’s say, having their shirts ironed. These afternoons have turned out to be veritable matchmaking affairs.” Rey paused, a smile playing around her lips. “At least three couples we know have met there, and some more are in the making.”

She placed a dainty teapot in front of him.

“Let this steep for five more minutes,” she declared and wandered off to tend to some of the seated guests.

Leaning back against the counter Kylo watched Rey fluttering from table to table. The skinny jeans she was wearing accentuated her shapely long legs and her backside, and a form fitting black and orange polo shirt revealed her slender upper body. The upper section of her hair was pulled back in a half ponytail, the rest cascading in gentle waves past her shoulders. She didn’t wear any makeup, she didn’t need to. She truly was very pretty, but in moments when the perfunctory smile she had plastered on her face changed to a real smile, one that reached her eyes, her face transformed from pretty to stunningly beautiful. Kylo’s reaction to that smile was a visceral one – he yearned to have it directed at him, but chances of that ever happening were slim, he knew that, and yet … sighing he turned back towards the counter and removed the tea egg and poured himself a cup, inhaling the scent of the tea. It smelled good, not at all reminding him of the teas he’d drunk whenever he’d been sick.

“Do you like it?” she asked once she returned behind the counter.

“I like the aroma. I haven’t tasted it yet. Too hot.” He demonstratively blew on the hot liquid.

In the end it turned out he liked it very much. She informed him that it contained some calming ingredients, and that she liked to drink that blend in the evening, because it helped her to relax after a stressful day. That innocent comment had sparked thoughts of ways in which he could help her relax after her workdays, which in turn were once again not conductive to him relaxing enough to fall asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December was even more stressful than usual this year. Alexander Snoke had apparently suffered a stroke, had been hospitalized and had to be treated in an ICU unit, which only relatives, or people expressly named by the patients were allowed to visit. As Snoke had been unconscious when he was admitted and thus had not been able to name someone, and he had no known living relatives, it meant nobody could visit him – even if someone wanted to. His butler contacted Kylo once or twice in regards to administrative matters with the hospital, and the only information they got were that Snoke would not be able to return as _First Order_ ’s CEO anytime soon. The first days Hux, the CFO acted as if it were a given that he would take over now, but the board of governors had other ideas. They brought in Gial Ackbar to act as CEO; apparently part of the board had wanted to get rid of Snoke for some time now, and now with him being ill they made a move. Ackbar was notorious for having had a hand in uncovering the illegal machinations at Empire Inc., which resulted in the stripping of that company - and now Ackbar was on the prowl at _First Order_.

Kylo, as the head of the Legal Department and HR, found himself swamped with demands to unearth old contracts and documents, and was called from meeting to meeting to explain decisions that been made in regard to those contracts. Despite the stress and the demands on his time, he was more at ease than he had been in a long time. Yes, he might be unloved and feared, but the work of his department was outstanding, and nothing shady … well, nothing illegal would be found in the contracts and the documents that had passed through his department. Hux on the other hand, looked more frazzled with each day, and the smug smile had been wiped off his face within days of Ackbar taking up his position. Their shouting matches were now not only limited to their offices, but took place in the corridors as well, where they were being witnessed by the whole staff.

His workdays became even longer than they used to be, and he seemed to sustain himself on nothing but black coffee and whatever takeaway food Mitaka placed before him. On most days he didn’t find the time to hit the gym, like he normally did, which did not help with containing his choleric tendencies. A lifetime of dealing with his anger issues had proven that if he didn’t move violently a couple of times a week, he was sure to boil over. At least he tried to squeeze a walk around the block into his schedule, mostly when everybody else tended to leave work. On those walks, he always made sure to pass the little café, and if he saw Rey manning the counter, he stepped inside for a cup of tea and a chat with the woman. He found that this new routine had a somewhat calming effect on him; if it wasn’t the tea, it might have been her presence that soothed his nerves.

On the days the café had already been closed when he passed it at his walks, and he had to contend himself with glimpses of Rey doing her closing routine, like mopping the floor – occasionally he watched her dance with the broom in her hands, an endearing sight – or cleaning the espresso machine, he found himself keyed up and prone to violent outbursts, which were … less likely when he’d had the opportunity to spend time at the café.

“Why the need to make a Christmas blend? I don’t understand it,” he’d asked her one day, when wanted to branch out and try a new blend, and thus perused the board with the specials.

“Are you just trying to vent, or is that a real question,” she was clearing out the dishwasher and looked up to him from her bend down position, which granted him a glimpse down her modest cleavage. He has gotten to know her enough by now to know that this wasn’t intentional; for she seemed totally oblivious to effect she had on people, and the admiring looks following her

“You make it sound as if were venting about something all the time.”

“No, of course not. Just 99% of it,” she said teasingly, at which he directed his patented glare at her, which did nothing to intimidate her, but made her chuckle.

“So why the Christmas blend,” he repeated.

“It’s because it’s the darkest time of the year, and it’s getting colder. The spices generally associated with the holiday season warm the body, something that is sorely needed when it’s cold outside. And because many people have baked gingerbread with their mums or grandmothers when they were kids, the smell of those spices evokes memories, and thus warms the soul as well.”

Kylo contemplated her words for a moment. He didn’t think he had any heartwarming memories about the holiday season. If someone had baked gingerbread or cookies with him, it probably had been one of the au pair girls that always were around, and it must have been before he had been able to appreciate their presence because of their looks. And Christmas itself always seemed to have been a disaster for him, always ending in hurt and heartache.

“As I’m decidedly not cold, and those spices do not evoke anything besides annoyance – “

“All right, the calming blend it is again,” Rey admitted defeat in her endeavor to get him to branching out that day.

 

The news of Snoke’s death reached him on the Sunday before Christmas. Snoke’s butler had tried to call him while he had been at the gym, and when he called back after he came home and got the news, he only took the time for a short shower and drove to the office. He could anticipate what a madhouse the office would be the next day, and tried to get as much as possible done beforehand. He managed to squeeze in a couple of hours of sleep in his office chair, before the news hit and the office turned into bedlam. Press conferences were held, and although Kylo didn’t have to speak, he had to be present. Then of course _First Order_ ’s stock value plummeted again, as was to be expected. He really hoped that Ackbar and the board of directors were not out to demolish the company; should they decide to continue the stock value would recover soon enough.

Kylo hadn’t allowed himself to think about Snoke’s death in more than general terms until he left the office that day. What it meant to him, personally. What it should mean, given that the man had been his mentor for more than 12 years - and why it didn’t; why all that he felt was … relief. After all, Snoke had taken him in after he burnt bridges with his family, urged him to change his name to further distance himself from the past, and paid for his college education. Of course, in exchange for that Kylo had had to practically sign over his life to him.

He planned to head home and not to return to the office, but he found himself walking down to Rey’s café instead of getting his car. He needed to end the day on a positive note. Rey only nodded at him, as he walked up towards what he by now considered to be ‘his’ spot at the counter, and wordlessly placed a tumbler and a bottle of scotch in front of him.

“On the house,” she said, smiled at him and placed her small hand over his, and lightly squeezed to show her commiseration.

He poured a generous amoun, and made a silent salute to Snoke, and the end of his enslavement to him.

 

The funeral was a somber affair. It rained - of course it did. Snoke probably would have gotten off on the thought of his business associates and adversaries having to stand in the rain at his funeral. Nobody cried, though – hands were shaken at some business deals instead, just like in olden times, when a handshake had been sufficient to seal a deal.

The day after the funeral, the board of directors officially appointed Ackbar as the new CEO, and the first action he took was to suspend Hux, and hand some files regarding him over to the prosecution. Apparently Snoke and Hux hid some dirt under the rug and endeavored in some rather creative bookkeeping. His own position had not been questioned so far, despite Ackbar bringing in new people and replacing Snoke’s confidantes with them. He knew that they could dig as deep as they wanted, they wouldn’t find anything to hold against him – apart from his temper, which apparently wasn’t sufficient reason to have him replaced. Yet.

As the whole company was being restructured, and Kylo had to attend meeting after meeting on those endless days, he knew he lashed out unnecessarily at some people, and looking back, he even might regret that, but in that moment, he simply couldn’t help himself.

The day before Christmas Eve was a Saturday, and despite the fact that everyone else was at home, preparing for the holiday, Kylo has spent the day at the office, successfully diminishing the pile of work that had accumulated on his desk while he had been bound in meetings. Oddly enough, being the only one around – with the notable exception of the security guard making his rounds – bothered him. It was too silent, and without Mitaka there, nobody reminded him to eat, let alone order something and place it in front of him, practically forcing him to consume something. His assistant really needed to be awarded for all he did.

When his stomach started to growl persistently and wouldn’t be ignored any longer, it was already dark outside again. Kylo decided to grab a bite from a food truck he knew from his recent walks was positioned just around the corner, and then venture further down the street for a cup of tea.

Rey was alone, and it looked as if she already was about to close, when he entered.

“Are you still open, or am I too late?” he inquired.

Rey looked up from where she stood wiping down a table, smiling softly at him, which caused butterflies to dance in his stomach. “Not really, but it’s all right. Come on in.” She did walk up to the door and locked it behind him, though.

He felt bone weary, as he walked to his usual spot; so much, that instead of leaning against the counter as he was used to, he pulled up one of the bar stools to sit on.

“What magic are you going to work on me today?” he asked her when she appeared on the other side of the counter.

“You look as if you really need a good night’s sleep, so something which would help you with that. I don’t know if you will like the taste, there’s lavender in it; but trust me, it’s going to work.”

“Thank you,” he breathed. “The last week has been hell, you know.” He rested his forehead on his arms with a sigh.

“So I’ve gathered.”

“Yeah?” He looked back up at her.

“I’ve read the papers. And I noticed Finn’s hours. They were insane this week.”

Kylo furrowed his brow. “Finn?” Please, don’t let this guy be her boyfriend.

“Finn Trooper. He works in the financial department. He is Rose’s fiancé.”

“Ah, yes, I remember having him seen in here once or twice. What has he been telling you?”

“Nothing he shouldn’t have,” she was quick to clarify. “Just that it was a madhouse this past week. Even more so than usual. And that you lost it a couple of times, apparently.”

“I have?”

Having lost it probably was the understatement of the year, but he couldn’t remember any details.

“You don’t remember?” He only shook his head.

“The last days have been a blur.”

“You made people cry, for goodness sake!”

He looked at her, blankly. To be honest, he probably made people cry on a daily basis. Rey sighed, poured him his tea and then went around the counter to sit down next to him.

“You yelled at someone because they had to leave to go to a doctor’s appointment. And they were so afraid you were going to fire them because of that, that they cried.”

“Then they are too sensitive to be working in business.”

“What are you, a monster?”

Kylo levelled his gaze on her. “Yes, I am.”

Shaking her head, Rey got up and started to wipe the tables again.

“I’ve upset you,” he stated.

“No, not at all.”

Of course she was upset, even though she tried to hide it. Kylo took this as a sign that she cared about him, about what he did, and suddenly he felt hopeful – about what he couldn’t name.

“Rey, look at me,” he said softly, but she shook her head, and continued cleaning the tables, her back turned towards him. After a while she threw down the cleaning cloth with a huff, turned and looked at him.

“Why? Why are always so angry? Why the yelling? I remember the first time we met … you were in the wrong, and had you just apologized and asked, we would have moved our car immediately. But instead you stood there, yelled at me, tried to intimidate me – “

“And usually that works just fine for me,” he interjected.

“In my experience a little bit of kindness gets people to cooperate willingly, whereas bullying them into doing something makes them reluctant to do said thing.”

“I wouldn’t be where I am now – “

“Make no mistake. I know you have to use your elbows in your line of work. I’m not talking about being a pushover here. Just acting like a normal human being, showing some compassion now and then, not trying to intimidate everyone, you know. It’s called basic politeness. You should try it sometimes.”

Her voice had grown louder with each sentence, her eyes were blazing, her breast was heaving, and she had moved towards him and pointed her finger at him. She looked stunning, and Kylo couldn’t help himself. He slid off the bar stool, his gaze locked on hers, and as he slowly lowered his head, his eyes flickered to her lips, and then back up to her eyes again. She didn’t step back; surely she must be able to read his intentions, mustn’t she? He put one arm around her waist to draw her closer, and raised the other one to caress her cheek. Finally, his lips brushed against hers, and he noticed her eyes fluttering closed. That was the moment when his dam broke, and he had to deepen the kiss, to move his lips against hers, and brush his tongue against her lower lip, his need to taste her overwhelming him. One of her hands was trapped between their bodies, but the other one sneaked around his torso, and she melted into the kiss and moaned against his lips. Without breaking the kiss, Kylo turned her around and backed her up against the counter, his tongue demanding entrance into her mouth.

A bomb could have gone off, and it wouldn’t have been enough to pull him away from her. Their tongues danced and explored, both equally desperate to taste and feel, but when Kylo started to subtly grind in to her, she broke the kiss and buried her face in his chest.

“Rey,” he whispered, and tried to make her look up to him by placing his finger under her chin, but she only shook her head, face still pressed into his chest. After a moment applied some pressure against him with the hand still trapped between them, causing him to take a step back.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered.

“You can’t do what?” Kylo was bewildered.

“I don’t do one-night stands,” she explained.

 “I don’t do one-night stands, either, Rey. I want more.” He tried to bend down to kiss her again, but she ducked away and brought some distance between them, clearly agitated.

“Listen, growing up the way I did, I promised myself I’d never be with a man like you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Someone who is used to get his way by intimidating other people. Someone without compassion. I promised myself I’d find a nice man.”

Kylo took her hand and carded their fingers together.

“I can be a nice man,” he stated.

“You are nice to me, that much is true. But from what I’ve seen, you’re nice only to me, but nobody else. I can’t be with someone like that. I just can’t. I’m sorry.” Tears have started to stream down her cheeks. “I’d only be waiting for the day you stopped being nice to me as well, the day you’d start treating me like everyone else.”

“Rey, please, I’d never –”

Once again, she shook her head.

“You are treading a path I can’t walk with you.” She’d pulled her hand out of his, and walked to the door, unlocking it. “I think you’d better leave now.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kylo was frustrated, and he felt like putting his fist through a wall, but he refrained from doing exactly that. Firstly, getting someone for the repair work would be a pain in the ass at this time of the year, and secondly, he was not fond of the pain. What he did do though, was to grab a bottle of whiskey and pour himself glass after glass, while sitting in the dark and looking out of the window.

That was what he got from opening up – being told that she couldn’t be with someone like him. What did that even mean? She clearly had been attracted to him. She clearly cared, at least her impassioned speech had made him believe that. How could he have misjudged the situation that badly? His thoughts were running in circles, but however he looked at the situation, he couldn’t blame her for not wanting to get to know him better; he was not a very likeable person, he knew that. Leaving his odd appearance aside, he was sarcastic, and his choleric tendencies have always been encouraged by Snoke, have even been used as a weapon in business deals by him. Where she was wrong though, was that he does have compassion; although, it had nearly been stomped out by years of being ridiculed for it by Snoke and Hux, by being told that it has no place in the business world. And as he literally had no life besides work, he had not much use for it.

On a rational level he knew that getting drunk would not solve his problems. He knew that tomorrow the shame of her rejection would sting even worse, enhanced by the hangover. But right at the moment he wanted to feel numb, and the whiskey helped him accomplish exactly that.

~~~~~~

Kylo woke with a groan. The light was far too bright, his neck hurt from having fallen asleep on the couch in a rather awkward position, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth where god knows what must have died, and last – but not least – he had a throbbing headache. He was sure, if he moved too quickly, nausea would hit. Feeling sorry for himself, he rolled over and planted his feet firmly on the floor, preparing to stand up.

“You are pathetic!”

His head whipped up, and his eyes widened. It couldn’t be, he must be hallucinating.

“I leave you alone for couple of weeks, and look where you are. Drinking yourself into a stupor because of a … girl,” Alexander Snoke spat, looking at Kylo with contempt in his eyes. He looked much the same as he had in life - impeccably dressed in a grey three-piece suit, but a slightly ashen pallor seemingly enhanced the scar disfiguring his face – if not entirely solid.

“You are dead,” Kylo rasped out, closed his eyes and shook his head in a feeble attempt to clear his thoughts; but upon opening his eyes, the picture before him has not changed at all. Lounging in the chair opposite of him was Snoke, looking just as disgusted with him in death as he had in life.

“So, what about it,” he said, picking his nails in a bored fashion. “It appears I can’t move on, because you –” here he pointed one long index finger at Kylo, “didn’t seem to get a thing I have tried to teach you in all those years into your skull.”

“I’ve given everything – “

“And yet, here you are, a pathetic child, drinking away its pain,” Snoke said, his voice dripping with disgust. He slowly rose from his sitting position and shuffled towards Kylo, who watched his approach stony-faced, and willed himself not to flinch when one of the ghost’s fingers traced his face, causing an icy cold tingling.

“You know when I took you in, all those years ago, full of despair and without somewhere else to go, I thought I found a rough diamond who only needed some polish to become someone truly special. After all, taking your bloodline into consideration, there should have been potential there. Now I fear I have been mistaken.”

“I’ve done everything you wanted me to, did your bidding –” Kylo’s rage flared, and he tensed, ready to jump up, but the apparition immobilized him with a flick of his wrist.

“You have too much of your father’s heart in you. You are just as impulsive and uncontrolled as he was. Seeking comfort in a girl, ready to jeopardize everything we have worked for, for someone completely unworthy like her,” he sneered. He then looked at him pensively.

“I think I might have to remind you that craving someone’s love and affection has always blown up in your face. Follow me.”

Having said this, he slowly walked towards the door, as if every step caused him pain. When Kylo continued to sit there, completely dumbfounded, he impatiently waved his hand, and Kylo was propelled off the sofa and pulled towards him. He stumbled without grace out into the hallway, barely able to avoid falling down. Upon looking up, he couldn’t believe his eyes, for he was not in his apartment any longer.

 

“Close your mouth. That look is not very becoming,” Snoke chided him, as he shuffled across the living room of Kylo’s childhood home, which looked exactly as he remembered it. He moved towards the fireplace decorated with red garlands and stuffed stockings. Framed pictures were placed on the mantle, and Snoke snorted derisively as he picked one up, presumably one of a young Kylo.

Kylo on his part was more fascinated with the scene playing out in the middle of the room, in front of the huge Christmas tree, where his younger self and his dad sat on the floor, playing with a slot car racing track Santa had dropped off one Christmas day. He remembered sneaking down early that day, hoping he’d catch Santa, but of course he hadn’t. Instead he’d found a huge present with his name on it. When his father came down some time later – probably having been woken up by his whoops of joy – he instantly got to work and helped him set up the track. They’d been playing for hours that day, his mother reading on the sofa or being busy in the kitchen, aided by that year’s au pair girl. Truth to be told, his father and he had probably neglected her, completely engrossed in their race. It actually had been one of the few Christmas days the three of them had spent together in harmony; probably the last one.

“Go, go, go,” his younger self – probably eight years old at that time - urged on his car.

“Oh no, Ben, you can’t win against me. Not when I managed to race the Kessel track flawlessly at a competition once,” Han said, fully concentrated on the race, apparently not willing to let his son win.

“Uncle Chewie told me you didn’t win that, though.”

“Just because Lando cheated.”

Snoke scoffed, and hobbled straight through the race track, completely passing through, exactly like one would expect a ghost to. At that moment Ben’s car flew off the track, causing the boy to cry out in exasperation; it could have been coincidence – or not.

“That’s so typical of your father, buying you a Christmas present he wanted to play with,” Snoke said.

“Actually, I’d wanted a race track for a long time. I remember having written a letter to Santa about it.”

“And why do you think, you – someone more interested in books – would have wanted a race track? Because your father told you so. It was his attempt at manipulating you into developing an interest in things he liked, into becoming more like him.”

“No, I distinctly remember having seen a race track at Poe’s house for the first time, and wanted one as soon as Poe let me play with it. I honestly can’t remember Han ever influencing me in the interests I wanted to pursue.”

“That’s only because you’re not very perceptive.” Snoke tapped one forefinger against Kylo’s temple. “Think back, I’m sure you’d find many instances where your father nudged you towards something.”

“I’d say it’s pretty normal that parents introduce their kids to something they enjoy themselves. Han never pushed me when I didn’t like those things, though. He accepted when I wasn’t enthusiastic about football, for example,” Kylo protested.

Defending his father felt strange, but watching him play with a young Ben reminded him that not all had been bad, that their relationship even used to be pretty good when he was younger; before the darker aspects of his nature, probably exacerbated by some pre-puberty behavior, caused the bitter estrangement between them.

“Oh, I’d say he lost interest pretty quickly, when he hadn’t been able to turn you into a mini-him,” the ghost said and gestured behind Kylo, who then slowly turned to look at what Snoke was pointing at.

At the bay window sat another incarnation of his younger self, older than he’d been when he’d gotten the race track. This Ben was looking out of the window with a sullen look on his face, his fingers tracing the rivulets melting snowflakes made on the glass.

“Honey,” Kylo heard his mother’s voice calling him softly, and while he turned, his younger version kept his gaze stubbornly directed at the snowflakes falling outside. His eyes rested on his mother’s form, looking exactly as he remembered her - and yet entirely different. Had she always been that small? To his younger self she’d always looked invincible, had radiated this incredible energy, and yet - as she stood there, Kylo noticed how tired and sad she looked as she approached her son.

“Ben,” she tried again, and laid her hand rest on the boy’s shoulder, who tried to shrug it off.

“He wanted to come, but sometimes things just don’t pan out the way we want it to. He didn’t get clearance for take-off because of the impending snow storm.”

“He promised he would be here, though. But he isn’t!”

“He can’t control the weather. Those things happen. He’ll come home as soon as he can, and you know that.” Her hand was still on his shoulder, and her thumb was drawing circles on his shoulder.

“Whatever,” Ben glowered, still refusing to look at his mother, who sighed defeatedly.

“Maybe you should call him,” Leia suggested, and put a cellular phone on the window sill in front of him.

“See,” Snoke’s voice jolted Kylo out of his thoughts. “Already he was dropping you, because your interests were not congruent with his.

“You heard what mum said. He was stuck at an airport due to bad weather conditions.” Kylo knew that his younger self had felt abandoned, and had never quite forgiven his dad for breaking his promise of being there for Christmas. This scene in fact had been the beginning of the end of his relationship with his father.

“Really? I mean, did he have to fly so close to Christmas. One would think in his position he would have had a say in which flights he took and which not. Yet he chose to pilot a long-distance flight on the day before Christmas,” Snoke pointed out, rehashing exactly what Ben had thought back then.

Kylo now, after having spent years under the thumb of a relentless boss himself, could think of a long list of reasons why Han would have had to fly, but he remembered that as a child he’d been thinking along the lines of what Snoke had voiced. His relationship with his dad had been in a constant downward spiral since that day, starting with Ben not being able to forgive Han for the perceived abandonment, and culminating in the big fight right after his graduation, which ended with him leaving and effectively burning bridges, and inevitably led him straight into Snoke’s arms.

“You have been waiting for him, and he just didn’t care. An ongoing theme in your family, isn’t it?”

Snoke turned him around, and once again the scene had shifted. Another Christmas day, the memories of which Kylo had buried deep and tried to forget. Since Ben had refused to accept Han’s apology about his absence on Christmas, and dismissed all of Han’s attempts to do anything together in the months after, after his father had first exploded and then later admitted defeat in the face of Ben’s constant stubbornness, Han had made sure to have friends over as often as possible to act as a buffer between them. Han’s friends Chewie and Lando, as well as his uncle Luke had been present so often, that Ben had frequently wondered why they hadn’t all just moved in with them.

At the Christmas Day Snoke’s ghost had him looking at now, Han and Lando were already well in their cups, laughing loudly and playing poker with a still comparatively sober Chewie, while Ben sat curled up in the armchair next to the fireplace, reading, and wearing a constant frown on his face to show how displeased he was with them. Oh, how he had longed to be included in their circle, but he never would have approached them out of his own volition, and Han had been rebuffed by him far too often to reach out again. They’d been stuck at an impasse.

His mother had been elected into senate earlier that year, and she’d been always busy these days, even on the rare occasions that she was at home. Like now – Kylo could hear her agitated voice through the door. Leia had been on the phone constantly that day, which to young Ben had proved that she didn’t care about spending time with him. Looking back now, Kylo of course knew what he hadn’t realized as a kid: that his mother had been trying to help averting a national crisis, that she probably would have loved to curl up on the sofa with him and watch a silly movie, or play a game, but the scale of what was going on, was too big to allow for that. After all, the president was about to be impeached.

“See, your father much rather played with his friends than with you, and your mother has replaced you as well. With her career.”

Kylo’s jaw clenched, and he swallowed, as the old feelings of abandonment washed over him. Gods, Snoke knew him too well, he could play him like fiddle. He wondered what the apparition’s purpose was. In a way he felt like he was part of an adaptation of “A Christmas Carol”, but his “Ghost of Christmas Past” was not going to show him the joys he’d experienced but forgotten, but all negative feelings he’d ever had, which had led him to the point where he was now in his life.

Looking back, Kylo now understood that Han and Leia would probably have done great as parents if they had not had such a troubled child, if he had been more like Poe Dameron, the son of one of his parent’s friends, for example, good natured and easy-going. But with him being the way he was, they were not able to understand him and love him the way he desperately needed them to.

“To be sure, if Leia would have been a stay-at-home mum, she would have killed herself out of boredom. She would have ended up as an alcoholic in the best-case scenario,” Kylo mused.

“But she needn’t have taken on such a time-consuming career, one that left her not time for the child she always claimed she loved so much. Funny way of showing you her love, don’t you think?”

Snoke’s ghost looked at him sharply, as if daring him to contradict what he just said. Kylo knew that look well enough. Whatever he said at that moment, it would be torn to shreds, so he only shrugged, but thought that in retrospect it would have been a shame if Leia had not pursued the career she’d had.

“Your dad had his friends, your mother her political vassals, and you didn’t fit – so they tried to get rid of you.” With another one of Snoke’s hand gestures the room changed again, and suddenly Kylo heard his muffled parents’ voices through the door leading to the kitchen. When he turned, he saw himself again, standing in the middle of the room, his fists clenched, the familiar signs of anger on his face. Oh, he remembered that particular day, all right. As long as Ben had been meeting with the little girl on the playground, he had tried to reign in his temper, and his parents had thought he’d finally made a turn to the better, but after the girl had vanished without a trace, he’d lapsed back into his old behavioral patterns. No, he’d been worse than before, and finally his parents had reached their breaking point. Kylo had overheard them talking about him that Christmas, had heard them calling him a monster, and not long after they’d send him to live with his uncle Luke.

“Ah, I see you remember,” Snoke grinned. “Look at what they did to you!”

Kylo didn’t need to look, he remembered it all too well. He’d re-lived it in too many nightmares to ever forget about it. What he really wanted though, was look into his parents faces while they were saying those things about him. He made up his mind, turned and strode towards the kitchen before Snoke even noticed he had moved. Passing through the door without having to open it was a rather surreal experience – which was saying something considering the morning he’s been having.

Leia was hugging herself, leaning back against the kitchen counter, Han was sat on one of the raised chars at the breakfast nook, both of them had pained expressions on their faces.

“Don’t you think that he would benefit from a change of scenery,” Leia asked. Han shook his head.

“Maybe, but sending him away might do him more harm than good. I think he might feel like we were abandoning him. Giving up on him.”

“Everybody sees him as this loose cannon, as a monster,” Leia’s voice had gotten louder while saying this, betraying her anguish. “With Luke he could start with a clean slate, meet new people without them having these misconceptions about him – “

Suddenly Snoke was beside Ben and dug his fingers into his upper arm. His face was contorted, his lips pulled back, baring his teeth which looked sharper and more elongated, and at this moment he seemed to be more demon-like than human in his appearance. Instantly the scene dissolved – apparently this had not been something he was supposed to see or hear.

Kylo’s mind was reeling from what he just witnessed. Having only heard bits of the conversation, his younger self had jumped to conclusions and had been ready to believe the worst, closing him off even further from his parents. His throat constricted and tears started to prick his eyes.

“They sent you away,” Snoke screeched. “Never forget that! They threw you out like garbage! And then, when they oh so graciously offered to take you back, but you left, they regretted it. But mark my words, such a thing can never be forgiven!”

The doorbell rang, and Kylo heard Han talking to someone in the hall, as the room solidified again around him. They found themselves in the dining room of the house, the table festively decorated and set for five people, but nothing in that setting looked familiar at all. The walls were painted in a shade of beige he couldn’t remember from his childhood, and there were unfamiliar paintings hanging above the sideboard.

“The more the merrier, I always say,” an aged Han said, as he led three people into the room. Kylo gasped, for he’d never imagined how his father might look like now, 12 years after he’d last laid eyes on him. His hair was grey, his face haggard and lined, and his posture was stooped.

“Princess, we have guests!”

“Hold your horses, man,” his mother chided as she walked into the room to hug Chewie, who all but swallowed her petite frame with his long arms. Her hair was streaked with grey as well, and there were lines on her face Kylo couldn’t remember from her official pictures. Lando greeted her with a kiss on both cheeks, and then introduced a tall woman.

“Leia, I hope it is no trouble that I brought Ellie, but you always say I can bring someone – “

“Of course not. It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you.”

Leia drew the woman into an embrace, and laughed.

“It’s about time you settled down, you old rascal,” she proclaimed and touched Lando’s arm. “Just give me a minute to rearrange and set the table.”

“Leia, leave the table. It’s set for five, and – “

“No, Han, that’s Ben’s place,” Leia said sharply and walked towards the sideboard.

“Pathetic, isn’t it,” Snoke’s ghost leered, “drawing attention to what poor abandoned parents they are, by always leaving a place for their prodigal son, practically waiting for someone to comment on it.”

Kylo was staring at Leia in bewilderment. Could she mean it? Would he be welcome, if he came home? He had stopped listening to the poison Snoke was spewing, lost in thought. Funny, how looking at his childhood memories with the perspective of a bystander has altered his perception on what had been going on in his youth.

Snoke seemed to have sensed that he had lost Kylo’s attention, and the scene around him dissolved once again, leaving them standing in the garden of a completely unfamiliar, rather large but not especially well cared for house. When he heard footsteps behind him, he turned and saw Rey walking towards him, laden down with bags, her face flushed by the exertion, but still slightly shivering in a rather thin jacket. Upon reaching the door, on which a shield with the words “The Castle” hung, she put down the bags and whipped out her phone and texted someone. After a minute the door opened and she was ushered inside, bags and all, by a very short woman wearing huge spectacles.

“Now come and take a look at whom she’s chosen to spend time with, instead of you,” Snoke said, and followed her inside, just passing through the door again. Kylo closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He felt exhausted, too many suppressed memories having been unearthed; but Snoke’s ghost - or whatever he was – didn’t give him time to recuperate. He already was sticking his head through the door and told him to hurry up. At the sight of Snoke’s bodiless head hovering in front of the door, the surrealism of it all came crashing down on Kylo, and he couldn’t help but dissolve into fits of laughter. Laughing felt almost foreign to him; it wasn’t something he got to do often, and honestly, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d truly laughed - not smirked, but truly laughed, and by god, it felt good. He stood there, his hands braced on his thighs, doubling over with laughter while Snoke’s specter sped towards him.

“I’m sorry,” Kylo wheezed, trying to regain his composure before Snoke lost it completely. Even alive Snoke hadn’t been able to abide laughter, and he didn’t think that is something that could have changed with his demise.

Still chuckling, Kylo followed him inside, passing through the door, which felt just as unsettling as it did the first time. His eyes fell on Rey again, who was handing over the bags to the older and much shorter woman who’d opened the door.

“I have a little something for everyone. There’s a tag on each present. And be careful with this bag – the pie’s in there,” Rey explained in a hushed voice.

“Rey, you shouldn’t have bought something for everybody. Hadn’t we agreed you were going to spend some money on yourself? Get a new coat for instance,” the woman said, critically eying Rey’s jacket.

“But Maz, I don’t need a new jacket. I’ve moved to the flat above the café, and I don’t have to go outside very often. Besides, whom would I have picked to gift? I simply had to get something for everyone,” Rey protested.

“I am thankful on behalf of the children, I truly am, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.”

“I know, but I’ve walked in their shoes and I know how it feels not to get a present for Christmas, to be wanting for the basic necessities. I’ll go and look for a new coat next month, I promise.”

“I understand. But you are already doing so much for us. Don’t overextend yourself.”

“I won’t. I promise. How’s BeeBee today?”

“The pre-Christmas excitement caused a couple of attacks. He’s exhausted, and is resting on the sofa. Maybe you could read him a story? I know he’d love that.”

“The new inhaler is not working?”

“No, it isn’t. But we were aware of that possibility. He already had a similar one, and it didn’t work.”

“Isn’t there something else they can do?”

“There might be someday in the future, but as of now it is still considered as experimental treatment and thus not covered by the insurance.”

“What is it?”

“I didn’t understand all of it, but there are some antibodies that would have to be administered intravenously on a regular basis, but like I said, it is not covered by Medicaid yet, and therefore thinking about it is a moot point,” the woman Rey had called Maz sighed. “He’s in there.” She jerked her chin towards the door in Rey’s back, and then she gathered up the bags and walked down the hall.

Rey nodded, peeled off her jacket and hung it on a clothing hook next to the main door. As always, she was wearing jeans and a simple sweater.

“She’s pretty enough, I give you that. I understand why you would have been interested.” Snoke took in Rey’s form critically. “A long-term relationship with never would have worked. A man in your position needs someone more … let’s say refined … at his side.”

“What do you even mean by that?” Kylo asked, bewildered.

“Boy,” Snoke sighed, “just look at her. Sure, you could put her in better clothes, but that wouldn’t really cut it. You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but never take the ghetto out of the girl, as they say. She would always be an outsider, and would hinder your career. Trust me. It’s better that way.”

As soon as Rey opened the door to the room Maz had pointed her to, she was accosted by a young girl, who practically threw herself in her arms.

“Rey! Look BeeBee, Rey has come!”

“Sure I have. I had to help you pass the time waiting for Santa,” Rey said, took the girl’s hand and let herself be pulled into the room.

Snoke and Kylo followed Rey into a large, very warm and welcoming looking room, despite – or maybe because of – it being cluttered with mismatched pieces of furniture. There were two large sofas, both of them a different design, and various love seats in different colors and shades of shabbiness, with dolls and stuffed animals resting next to the pillows. The walls were lined with bookshelves; pictures with many smiling children hung on the walls, and next to the rather small tv stood a small Christmas tree, lovingly decorated with gingerbread figures Kylo recognized from Rey’s café. Snoke wrinkled his nose and snorted derisively. From behind the back of the smaller of the two sofas the head of a pale, red-haired boy of approximately eight years emerged, his face splitting into a huge grin.

“Rey,” the boy cried, and all but bounced on the sofa.

Rey crouched down beside the boy, hugged him and then chided him for overexerting himself. She then asked the girl to go and spread the word that she would be available for reading them a book, and the girl nodded and sped away.

“I mean, it’s admirable that she is willing to sacrifice her time for orphans. The system needs people like that,” Snoke’s tone gave away that he thought the whole endeavor a waste of time. Kylo knew Snoke’s stance on people having to rely on state aid, be it children or not; in his opinion they were all freeloaders, and could not ever be useful members of society. He even had voiced once that if orphans were being fed and clothed by the public, they should have to work for receiving aid. Kylo disagreed, but trying to argue on such matters with Snoke had never been a good idea.

In the meantime, Rey settled herself on the sofa, the little red-headed boy comfortably tucked into her side; he pestered her about what book she was going to read, and Rey told him to be patient, they were only waiting for the others to arrive. As soon as the girl returned, followed by two other kids, and they found comfortable spots to settle down, Rey pulled out a book from under her, opened it ceremoniously, and – after the kids stopped giggling and chatting - started to read out loud.

“ _Mr. and Mrs.Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much…_ ”

And Snoke once again yanked Kylo away.

When he regained his footing, he found himself in a room in such stark contrast to the one they’d just left, that Kylo’s mind reeled. Whoever had designed this room, had impeccable taste. Two huge vintage looking leather sofas dominated the space opposite the faux-fireplace, over which a huge tv hang on the wall. The walls were decorated with paintings, all complementing the earthy color scheme of the room. An expensive looking rug spanned the room, and a huge Christmas tree glittering in red and gold indicate that wherever they had arrived, it was Christmas time as well. If he had the chance, Kylo would have returned to the group home. Not because Rey had been there, but also because there the room had felt lived in, warm and welcoming, whereas this impeccable room seemed to be more of a showroom, not an actual home. Only when the door opened, and – Kylo did a double take here – he saw himself entering the room, did he notice a woman had been seated at a writing desk in the corner the whole time. Kylo surmised that this had to be his future, for his dark hair was streaked with grey, and sharp lines marred his face – and they were definitely not laugh lines. At his entrance the elegantly clad, dark haired woman rose and held her cheek for him to kiss; which he did, although it was not even worth calling a peck what he bestowed on her cheek. When she turned, Kylo blinked, for he knew that woman.

“This, my boy, is what the future could hold for you, if you played your cards right. An elegant, sophisticated wife, a beautiful house, a great career… Bazine’s family background would help you tremendously if you were to take your chance in politics.”

Ah, now Kylo understood why Snoke had suggested Bazine Netal should replace Mitaka as his personal assistant last October, as he had her spent a couple of weeks in each department as a trainee before being hired permanently. Mitaka probably deserved to be promoted after all Kylo had put him through in his time as his PA, but first he had to find a suitable replacement – and that definitely was not Bazine. She was beautiful, sure, in that carefully groomed and styled way that made most men look up and stare, but Kylo soon found that her beautiful face could not compensate the off-putting incompetence she exuded. Having her in his department probably would result in murder – and him behind bars. Having a more intimate relationship was out of the question for that fact alone. Never mind that he knew she had successfully gone after Hux when he proved to be impervious to her charms.

“Then tell me how to avoid this particular future, for I’m neither interested in Bazine nor in politics – “

“Kylo,” Snoke began, speaking slowly, as if he were a dimwitted child, “why do you have to make this harder for yourself than it has to be? With me gone, _First Order_ will not exist much longer. I’ve had a hard time fighting for my vision regarding the company, but know things are going to change. Fast. The board of directors will probably want to exchange all the executives. What are you going to do then? Use the contacts I’ve left you with, and you could be in the run for becoming governor at the next gubernatorial elections.”

“I’ve never wanted to go into politics.”

“Why do you think, I’ve taken you in, paid for you education and put up with your petulance? Because I knew with your heritage, you’d be a natural politician. You owe me that much.”

“I’ve joined your company after graduation, just as you requested, and did your bidding, even when your decisions went against everything I believed in. I’ve done my dues. I don’t owe you anything!” Kylo barked, his eyes flashing as his temper rose.

Snoke’s ghost moved towards Kylo, one long thin finger poking into his chest, causing sharp pain to radiate from the point of contact. “You will do as you are told! I’ve already prepared everything; your future sponsors are already waiting for you to step up. It’s too bad your mother decided to resign last year. Wouldn’t it have been sweet revenge, if you were on opposing sides of the political stage, and you won against her? Reverse laws she has desperately fought for?”

“I have not changed my name and tried to vanish into obscurity, just to present myself on the political stage opposing my mother.”

“And yet, that is exactly what you will do,” Snoke crooned. “Hux will manage the campaign finances, as you lack a certain … let’s say creativity in those matters; with Bazine on your side you can round up the picture of respectability, and in no time, you will be exactly where I’ve always dreamed you’d be.”

Kylo crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I refuse,” he hissed. “You are wasting your time. Go and bother Hux or Bazine, and let me be.”

With an inhuman screech, Snoke’s ghost lost its human appearance, his eyes sunk deeper in its sockets, the flesh melted from the nose and cheeks, teeth elongated into fangs, fingers seemed to become longer and bonier, shadows swirling around his form. The nightmarish creature sped towards him, and as it passed through his body, the room around Kylo dissolved, and he crumpled to the ground.

~~~~~~

 

Kylo woke with a groan. His neck hurt from having fallen asleep on the couch in a rather awkward position, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth where god knows what must have died, and last – but not least – he had a throbbing headache. He was sure, if he moved too quickly, nausea would hit. Wincing, he looked up and, upon noticing the time, frowned. He had slept through the whole day? He must have passed out around midnight, and now it was already 5 pm. He blinked, confused. Then the memory of the weird dream he’d had surfaced, and he raised his hands to massage his temples. He must have drunk more than he’d thought, to have had such dreams.

First, he needed water, from the inside as well as from the outside, to restore himself to a human state again. By the time he was done showering, his stomach growled loudly; he briefly contemplated ordering something in, but then decided that the monotonous task of preparing food would help him clear his mind, and make sense of that dream that still haunted his thoughts. Rey’s words, and her rejecting him, must have hit closer to home than he cared to admit. In a way the dream made sense; her rejection triggered memories in which he’d felt rejected by his parents. That he’d dreamed about his mother still holding a place for him in her home …well, maybe a part of him still wanted to return home and make amends, a part that felt free to surface, now that Snoke wasn’t there anymore to silence it. The sequence about his future must have been his fears of what Snoke probably had in store for him, coupled with the insecurity about his position at _First Order_. The new CEO has dug through old files and contracts, going through them with a fine haired comb, trying to find something to use against him. They wouldn’t find anything, for he’d never done anything illegal.

What bugged him the most, though, was the part about Rey and the group home; he was completely stumped as to where that part had come from. The only explanation for that were the pictures and notes on the wall of her café, in which the group home was a recurrent theme. Still, the details of that part of his dream shocked him, for he was sure that he never read any names under the pictures, and yet he could still recall names from that dream. The name of the group home ‘The Castle’ he might have subconsciously picked up from a picture taken in front of the door, but the name of the woman – Maz – and the ill boy, he had no idea where they had come from.

After he finished his meal, he decided to run a search to see whether he could find anything about that group home. The first search result linked him to a site with a picture of the exact house he’d been standing in front of in his dream, and the very same living room – minus the Christmas tree – with an interview with the woman running the home. Her name was indeed Maz - Maz Kanata. After reading this, Kylo felt slightly dizzy, and his hands felt clammy and started to shake slightly. It all felt too much of a coincidence. It must have been a dream though. It had to be. There was no other rational explanation.

If the last days –and that weird dream – had taught Kylo anything, it was that knew that he never would be the man Rey deserved, but he wanted to make a conscious effort into becoming a better one; he really didn’t want to die completely alone and un-mourned – with the notable exception of Wall Street sharks – like Snoke. The journey to become that man may as well start at that group home.

 

Christmas Day found Kylo walking nervously up to The Castle’s door. He felt annoyed at himself for feeling that way. New situations always made him nervous, and what he wanted to do today definitely did count as a novel experience for him; one he couldn’t mask his nervousness with anger for, as he’d been wont to do for all his life.

He heard children’s voices shouting, and feet running, as he rang the bell. The door then was opened by a girl he remembered from his dream, the one that had hugged Rey upon her arrival.

“Yes?” she asked, looking up to him, frowning.

Kylo exhaled and tried to smooth his features. He probably was scaring the girl.

“Merry Christmas,” he said, for the first time this season. “I’d like to speak to Mrs. Kanata please.”

“Maz is busy in the kitchen,” she replied, eying him with distrust.

“Mary, you know you shouldn’t open the door!” A dark-skinned teenage boy appeared behind the girl. “Did you think Santa would ring to bring more presents, or what,” he smiled down on her, before looking up to Kylo. “Can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to speak to Mrs. Kanata.”

“Please run and fetch Maz, would you,” he said to the girl, who quickly scurried away into the back of the hall. “Do come in,” he then addressed Kylo. “You’ve chosen a less than ideal time to visit. Christmas morning is a busy time for her. She wants to make it a special day for us.”

“I won’t keep her long, I promise.”

“I sure hope so, Mr –” Maz called from several feet away, and cocked her head, looking up at him.

“Ren. My name is Kylo Ren.” He extended his hand, which she took in a surprisingly firm grasp, and looked up to him.

“Have we met?”

“No, not that I recall.”

“Hmm –” Her eyes scanned his face. “You do look familiar though.” She shook her head briefly, and then continued. “How can I help you?”

“I’d like to inquire how to make a donation, so that the children living here will benefit directly from it.”

She made a hand motion to signal him to follow her, as she started walking down the hall into a small office.

“Well you can donate on the website of – “

“I’m aware, but then the money would not go directly to your house, but would be distributed within the organization. I want to help the children living here.”

“We are not allowed to accept monetary donations, but in-kind contributions are allowed. Those wouldn’t be tax deductible for you, though.”

“That’s all right. So you mean like the swing set Rey built?”  

‘Shit,’ he thought. He hadn’t meant to mention Rey. If she learned about him donating here, she  would think he did this only to sway her opinion of him.

“Is this where you learned of us? In Rey and Rose’s café?” He nodded. “They are such angels, those two. Rey is frequently helping by spending time with the kids. Actually, she’s helping in the kitchen right now. And not only are they collecting small change from their patrons to finance little projects, but they also donate personally.”

“I’ve seen pictures of the swing building and the children’s thank you note in the café. It inspired me, and made me want to contribute as well. I like to know  exactly where and how my money is used.”

“Well, I was planning on buying clothes for them in the season sale. You could donate gift certificates, if you’d like. I could give you a list for the places I usually shop at.”

Kylo nodded. “Another question – I’ve heard you foster a child with health problems?”

Maz sat down behind her desk, and motioned for him to sit on a rickety chair, he eyed with suspicion.

“BeeBee has severe asthma. Why – “

“Is there anything I could help with in regard to his treatment?”

“Healthcare for children in group homes is covered by Medicaid -”

“And Medicaid does not cover everything. Like food supplements, or new treatments,” Kylo interjected, leaning forward. His stomach was in knots, and he started feeling slightly nauseous. There was no way he could have picked up all those things beforehand. The names, that the boy had asthma, and if Maz now said something about antibody treatment … he thought he was probably going to faint.

“That’s true. And yes, it was suggested that an experimental treatment might work for BeeBee. Antibody treatment sounded too expensive to consider raising money for, as we would have to need long-term coverage of the costs.“

Kylo’s fingers dug into the meat of his thighs where they were resting, and his breathing started to become shallower. This couldn’t be true.

“Is everything all right?” Maz asked concernedly.

“Yes, thank you. It’s just – I think I had a déjà vu experience, that’s all,” Kylo assured her, and tried to get his breathing under control. “I’d like to get a second opinion on BeeBee’s condition, and if they suggest the same treatment, I’m going to cover the costs.”

Maz fixed her eyes on him, her glasses magnifying her eyes, and didn’t say anything for a while.

“Are you sure about this. As much as I’d want BeeBee to get better, I can’t let you financially ruin yourself for his treatment.”

“Mrs. Kanata, believe me I wouldn’t suggest it, if I couldn’t afford it. If the price for the treatment should be too much for me to handle, then I will search for – and find - ways to raise the money.”

“Mr. Ren, I can’t even begin thank you enough.”

“I haven’t done anything yet. There’s no need to thank me, but I’d appreciate, if you’d keep this conversation private.” Maz nodded, although she couldn’t hide her curiosity about this request. “I’ll leave you to your duties now, but I’ll be in touch.”

Kylo was already halfway out of the room, when he heard Maz say “He truly has much of his father’s heart.” He stopped in his tracks, and whirled around.

“What did you say?” His eyes were wide as saucers, his heart hammering hard.

“Nothing, Mr. Ren,” Maz replied and walked around her desk. “I’ll accompany you to the door.”

After leaving the group home, Kylo sat in his car for a while, processing all that had transpired, resting his head on the steering wheel. If what he’d dreamed about the group home was true, could it be that his parents would still welcome him home as well? That this wasn’t only wishful thinking, not just some deeply buried, childish wish?

There was only one way to find out.

Three hours later Kylo parked his car on the curb opposite his parents’ home, exhausted after driving the whole distance to Chandrila without taking a break. He hadn’t been here for more than 12 years. In a way everything still looked the same - and at the same time it didn’t. The garden was different. There were flower beds he couldn’t remember in places where he was expecting trees; maybe Leia had taken up gardening now that she’d retired from politics. He noticed small changes on the house as well, like the shutters and beams being painted in a different color than they used to be.

There were cars parking in the driveway, apparently, his parents were entertaining guests – Chewie and Lando, if his … vision were true. Kylo got out of the car, but couldn’t bring himself to walk up to the house. Meeting his parents would be hard enough on its own, he couldn’t bear doing it with other people present as well, even if it only were Chewie or Lando. So he just stood there, leaning against the driver’s door, completely ignoring the cold, staring up to the house, drinking it in. Funny, how he’d never realized that he missed the place, until now.

When he decided to get back into the car, because he started to shiver and had almost lost the feeling in his fingers and feet, and thought that surely someone must already be calling the police because they noticed a creep stalking the neighborhood occurred to him, the curtain on the window of what used to be the kitchen moved. Shortly after the door opened. In the doorway, he could make out the silhouette of his mother’s petite frame, and distantly he heard his father’s voice calling something over the blood rushing in his ears. Leia slowly walked down the three steps in front of the entrance, one hand tightly clutching the railing, the other pressed over her heart, while Kylo still stood motionless in front of his car, staring at her. His breathing became fast and shallow, his heart pounding fast. They stood like this for a couple of seconds, staring at each other, from across the street, then Leia made three more steps towards him and opened her arms, but stopped again. It was clear that Kylo had to close the rest of the distance on his own. Mother and son locked eyes; both had tears streaming down their faces. With a sudden movement Kylo lurched forward, crossed the distance in long strides and let himself fall to his knees in front of her, burying his face in her belly, and clutching her tight, while Leia carded her hands through his hair and bowed down, whispering softly and full of wonder.

“You’ve come home. You’ve finally found your way home again.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After a surprisingly restful sleep, Kylo woke in an unfamiliar room. On second thought, it wasn’t that unfamiliar at all. It was his old room in his childhood home - and yet it wasn’t. His parents had remodelled it. Gone were the emo band posters covering the walls and the battered pieces of furniture; it had been transformed into a tasteful guest room. The only thing reminding him of his childhood were his old books interspersed with pictures of him on the bookshelves. His parents for sure had never heard of the trope that the room of the prodigal son had to stay frozen in time, waiting for his return.

The day before had left him too exhausted to undertake the drive home after dinner. He had spent the day at his parents’ place, where indeed a seat at the table had been reserved for him – as it had been for every holiday in the last 12 years. Leia beamed with happiness throughout the day, while Han had eyed him warily and remained distant. The obvious elephant in the room – his years of absence and the big fight that had preceded it – had been stealthily ignored by everyone. Kylo had been polite and quiet, mostly listening and revelling in the feeling of home. Only Ellie, Lando’s fiancé, not knowing much about the heavy family history, had addressed him directly with questions not just about whether he wanted a second helping or whether he please could pass the gravy. Her manner was blunt and direct, and she probably had repeatedly been kicked under the table by Lando, but Kylo found he didn’t mind answering her questions. He tried to be as vague as possible in doing so. He told her he went to college on a scholarship – well, in a manner of speaking that was what Snoke had granted him – and being head of the legal department of a big company, about his workaholic tendencies and anger management issues; about being alone. At times everybody at the table had fallen silent while he answered Ellie’s questions, and when he looked up at those moments, all eyes had been directed at him; the men had awkwardly started talking about random topics when being caught listening. Just Leia had openly leaned in, and frequently laid her hand over his and squeezed it.

Surprisingly for him, all that had been exhausting for him, and his mother had urged him to spend the night. Despite himself he had accepted her offer.

After he rolled out of bed, he eyed his phone; it was still early - later than he usually got up, but probably way too early for his parents to already be awake. Wrinkling his nose, he put on yesterday’s clothes and walked down towards the kitchen, where he started to inspect the contents of the fridge.

“Let me fix you a breakfast,” he heard his mother’s soft voice from somewhere behind him, as he reached for a box of eggs. He jumped, not having heard her come in.

“Nah, let’s do it the other way ‘round,” he responded. “Point me to where I can find everything.”

“You cook?”

“Occasionally. Nothing fancy, but as I do have to eat out with customers or business associates on a regular basis, and tend to order in when staying late at the office, I really like to eat something simpler when I’m home. Besides, I find the manual tasks involved with cooking to be soothing.”

And so Ben prepared eggs, fried for himself and scrambled on the runny side for Leia, while she made coffee, laid the breakfast table and toasted bread. After he put down the filled plates and sat down, Leia bent down to give him a kiss on the forehead and murmured her thanks. She then let her fingers ghost over the frown lines permanently etched in between his eyes.

“Do you ever smile?” she asked and sat down.

“You mean other than a derisive smirk? No, probably not.”

“You know, there was a time when you laughed a lot. You had a very infectious laugh,” she reminisced. “When did it all go wrong, Ben?”

“Eat,” he commanded, looking up and pointing at her plate. “That actually isn’t my name anymore. I’ve had it legally changed to Kylo after … you know.”

Leia looked up, the filled fork hovering before her mouth.

“That would explain why we couldn’t find a trace of you.”

He nodded.

“Hmm, when did all go wrong …? Probably at my birth. With me inheriting too many of your father’s darker traits, and Han and you being who you were. Had I been more like … Poe, for instance … we would have been fine. It was all just a series of unfortunate events and miscommunications. A great cosmic joke of sorts.”

Leia squeezed her eyes shut with a pained expression at his resigned sounding words.

He stood up place his plate and coffee mug as well as the pans and cooking utensils he had used into the dishwasher, before he turned to look at Leia again.

“I have to drive back.”

“But you’ve only arrived. Ben – “

“Our CEO died shortly before Christmas and we’re in the middle of a huge restructuring process, so no rest for the wicked.”

“Snoke,” his mother huffed. “You work for _First Order_?” He nodded, and she pressed her lips into a line, clearly displeased with this information. “They are very – “

“Competitive,” he offered.

“Not the word I would have used.”

“It will please you that the new CEO is Gial Ackbar, then. Things are going to change for sure.”

Kylo stepped to the fridge and penned something on the writing pad hanging there.

“My number,” he stated before he pulled Leia into an embrace and folded around her small frame. With a tightening of his arms and quick kiss to the crown of her head, mimicking the way she welcomed him the day before, he wordlessly said goodbye, then turned and walked out.

He hadn’t even reached his car yet, when the phone in his pocket vibrated. He pulled it out, and read the text he’d received.

_Drive safely. Don’t be a stranger._

_Mum_

Kylo marvelled at the warm feeling that filled his heart, thawing the layers of ice around it. He hadn’t felt that much happiness in far too long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sighing at the incessant pinging of his phone, Kylo pulled off the highway at the next service area to text Mitaka that he wouldn’t be at the office before lunch, when he remembered that his assistant had taken today off. He connected his phone to the handsfree set and started to answer the missed calls one by one while speeding back to the city. He managed to reach Jess, one of his paralegals, and asked her to spread the word that he would be in after lunch; something in her voice made him ask if everything was all right. After a short moment of hesitation, she brushed over his question, and he made a mental note to ask her again in person later.

When he arrived at the office, freshly showered and suited up, he was  already frazzled. He’d braved some of the shops Mrs. Kanata had pointed out to him to obtain gift certificates, and he had already dropped them off at the group home. Some staff members looked up at him, full off unease. He had never before taken a half day off, and they obviously wondered what was going on.

He was in desperate need of a dose of caffeine, and with Mitaka not being here to fetch him a cup of coffee, he went to the break room himself, This was something he usually avoided during office hours, because he knew that being the demanding and intimidating boss he was, the staff needed to vent about him, and that mostly took place in the break room. Right on cue, as soon as he entered the room, awkward silence fell. He nodded his greeting, and while he was busy fiddling with the coffee maker, his back turned to the people sitting together at the table, slowly a hushed conversation started again. He caught something about Jess – the paralegal he’d called earlier – and an accident. When he asked about what happened, getting answers about what had happened was like pulling teeth.

He made a detour to Jess’s cubicle on the way to his office.

“Thank you for passing on my message,” he said, and took in her red rimmed eyes as she looked up.

“You’re welcome.”

“Miss Pava, what are you doing here?” he asked her, softly. Her fiancé’d had an accident the very morning and was in surgery right now, as he’d learned in the break room.

She looked at him, bewildered. “What do you mean, sir?”

“Wouldn’t you rather be at the hospital, than here?”

A tear slipped down her cheeks, and she nodded.

“There’s a deadline on the contract I’m working on, and – “

“Mail me the draft you have, and I’ll work it out and pass it on. You shouldn’t be here. There are more important things than contract deadlines.”

Jessica Pava looked at him with wide eyes, as if he’d spouted a second head.

“If you are still here in 15 minutes, I’ll drive you to the hospital myself. I’m sure you’d like to avoid that, don’t you,” he said. Judging from her expression, she’d probably have an aneurism if he said anything more, so he left and went to his office, only to remind her with a short email to send him the contracts she’d been working on. At least he now knew exactly what he would be doing this evening.

 

The next morning, when his assistant brought him his coffee, he eyed him warily.

“What is it?” Kylo asked him.

“I’m sorry, sir, but there are rumors.”

“You are coming to me concerning gossip? Truly?”

“Well, it involves you,” the young man hesitantly said.

Kylo leaned back in his chair, and rested the fingertips of his hands against each other in front of his lips.

“Out with it then. What is it?”

“They say you’ve sent Jess home after learning about her fiancé’s accident, and that you finished what she had been working on personally.”

“That’s no rumor.”

“Last week you chewed an intern out because she had to leave for a medical appointment.”

Kylo sighed.

“Last week was stressful for all of us. You know what, send the intern some chocolate with a note telling her  that I’m sorry for lashing out.”

Mitaka’s eyebrows rose so high, they nearly vanished into his hairline, and Kylo really had to suppress a chuckle. In a way he was having fun, throwing people off kilter with his first steps into behaving like normal human being.

“As I’m going to be in meetings the majority of today, could you do me a favor?”

“Uhm, yes?”

“Could you please try to get an appointment with Dr. Amylin Holdo for a child living at the group home in Takodana Street? A boy called BeeBee. Please get in touch with Mrs. Kanata, who runs the group home, and get the boy’s medical info. And clear my schedule for the time of the appointment. I want to accompany the boy to this examination.”

He held out a stick-it note with the names he’s just mentioned to his assistant.

“Sir?”

“I know that this falls not under your duties as my PA, but I’d really appreciate it.”

“O-of course, sir,” Mitaka stammered, before he left and closed the door behind him, clearly bewildered. Kylo could see him muttering to himself through the glass window next to the door, as he sat down in front of his computer.

Kylo wondered, if he should tone it down with the please’s and thank you’s, for clearly Mitaka was feeling uneasy with him using those words. Well, he was going to have to get used to it.

 

In the course of the week leading up to the new year, work at _First Order_ slowly returned to a semblance of its normal routine again, at least for most people. Kylo, on the other hand, continued to have many meetings with the new executives, who slowly learned to trust the assistance and advice he offered, despite him being the last of Snoke’s former confidants in a leading position. Nobody had openly declared it, but he knew he was on probation, and his work was being scrutinized at every turn. He still worked too many hours, but at least he managed to find enough time to hit the gym again. He took the time to walk down the street every day as well, in hope to at least catch a glimpse of Rey while passing by the café; and whenever she happened to smile at one of her customers when he was looking in from the outside, he pretended it was directed his way.

 

When Kylo returned from an another extremely bothersome end-of-year meeting on Friday afternoon, with a headache settling between his temples, he noticed Finn Trooper standing at Mitaka’s desk. He stopped and asked his PA whether anything had come up in the last hours which demanded his immediate attention, and was handed a small package, wrapped in gift paper, which had arrived for him. Trooper excused himself and shot him a look Kylo was absolutely not able to decipher. He let his eyes follow the younger man, somehow confused.

“He delivered that package,” Mitaka explained.

“Did he say what it is, or who sent it?”

“No, nothing. Just to make sure you’d be receiving it.”

“Maybe I should be sure to open it when I’m alone, so nobody gets harmed in case it is a bomb.” He gingerly shook it, and heard a faint tinkling from inside.

At Mitaka’s wide eyed stare, he held up his free hand in a placating gesture.

“That was a joke, Dopheld. Just a joke.”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Why don’t you leave? It’s the last work day of the year, and I’m sure people are off to celebrate somewhere.”

As soon as he sat at his desk, he gingerly started to unwrap the package. It contained a letter, as well as a small teapot, similar to those used at Rey’s place and some packages of tea. He reached for the envelope, which contained a simple card, with trembling fingers, and read:

_Dear Kylo,_

_My friend Finn has told me just how crazy work still is at your company, and I thought that maybe you could use a cup of calming tea._

_Rey_

He let his finger trace her messy scrawl, longing for something … no someone filling his heart. Well, he supposed tea was always going to remind him of her.

 

When night fell on New Year’s Eve Kylo hadn’t talked to anyone in person for 48 hours, which wasn’t that unusual for him. After all, he didn’t have any friends, and avoided talking to people at the gym on principle; grunting at the cashier of the supermarket didn’t count as talking, does it? But he was improving; he’d called his parents, and although they’d urged him to come and visit, he’d declined. His mother was having a party, and he didn’t really feel like attending a New Year’s Eve party. Instead he decided to put in a couple of hours of work, and watch the fireworks from his office, make good use of the fantastic view over the city he had for once.

He'd just brewed a cup of tea and was on his way back to his office, when he heard the elevator ping its arrival on his floor. He stopped at his assistant’s desk and frowned, looking back towards the elevator. The security guard wasn’t due for another hour – Kylo briefly contemplated it spoke volumes about his rather unhealthy work hours that he knew when the security guard was due on his floor on a Sunday. He was rather surprised when he recognized Finn Trooper stepping through the opening doors.

“Trooper? What on earth are you doing here?” It was meant as a normal question, but his voice was gruff from underuse, and it carried far too loud in the empty hall.

“I’m accompanying a visitor up. Can’t have her run around unsupervised in the building, can’t we,” came the halting reply.

“What visi –“

He stopped speaking mid word, when he spotted Rey standing in the elevator. Good thing he had put down the teapot on Mitaka’s desk, or it would have slipped through his fingers. He’d thought he’s gotten used to how beautiful she was, and how she affected him, but he had never seen her dressed up before. Under her open coat he could see she was wearing a dress with a charcoal grey bodice and a flaring skirt that reached down to her knees, revealing her shapely legs clothed in black tights. Her heeled ankle boots changed the way she carried herself as she walked towards where he stood. Her hair was flowing freely, not being tied back in any form, and her lips – oh, her lips – were accentuated with red lipstick. Kylo blinked and gulped.

“Rey –“

“I’ll be in my cubicle for the time being,” Kylo heard Finn say, but he didn’t even look up to acknowledge his words. His eyes were trained on Rey, as she stood before him, looking up to him, biting her lower lip. He wished she would stop doing that.

“I hope you don’t mind that I came up. We were on our way to a party, when I saw the light up here. Finn said it must be your office, and I – “

She was rambling. Was she nervous? Why would she be nervous?

“ – well, you didn’t come to the café this week at all, and I wanted to talk to you, and so I thought – “

“Rey!”

Her tongue darted out to wet her lips, and she looked up at him.

“Thank you for the teapot.” He internally winced. “Uhm … I’m already putting it to good use.” He motioned towards the spot where he’d put it down on the desk. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled.

“I want to apologize. I … the kiss. It was uncalled for. And you were right. You deserve better than me – “

“I didn’t say that. I said I didn’t want to be involved with a bully – “

“But it’s true. You deserve better.”

She frowned. “No.” She shook her head. “I regret what I said to you that day. I – you caught me off guard. But that is no excuse for the way I talked to you. I normally like to think that I’m not unfair… but I was unfair to you.”

“Your really were not.”

“I was. Because nearly everything I based what I said on, I only know secondhand. From what people told me about you. I understand if you don’t want to see me again, or come to the café again after I’ve acted like such a prejudiced bitch. But I hope you’ll give me the chance to get to know you.”

“But people are right. I am an asshole. I try to get my way by intimidating people. I have anger issues. I – “

“But that is not all there is to you. I know that.”

When had Rey moved closer? He couldn’t say, but right now, she was standing very close, and one hand was resting on his forearm.

“You can’t know that,” he whispered.

“But I do!” She rose on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss onto his right cheek. His eyes fluttered close, and he breathed her in.

“Don’t tell me you plan on working much longer.”

“I …  yeah, I do. I have no other plans. I thought I’d work for a couple of hours, and then watch the fireworks from up here.”

“Why don’t you come with us?” she blurted out.

“What?”

“We’re going to this club a couple of streets over. Starkiller. Why don’t you join us?” she asked him, once again biting her lip, which made it hard not give into his want to bend down and kiss the spot she was biting on. Instead he ran his hand through his hair, and shut his eyes.

“Look, I … don’t think you friends would appreciate me coming with you. I’m sure this would ruin Trooper’s – “

“Finn. His name is Finn,” she corrected him, and he nodded and his lip curled upwards.

“Ok, Finn’s night. I wouldn’t want that.”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. And I’d love for you to come with us.”

“But, I’m not dressed for going out.”

“You look fine enough to me. But,” her smile was dimmed now; it didn’t reach her eyes anymore, and she was taking some steps back. “I understand.” She was looking around now, her eyes searching for her friend, who came down the hall towards them.

“Will I see you at the café again,” she probed tentatively.

“I promise.”

When Finn led her into the elevator with a hand on the small of her back, she looked back at him with a sad smile on her face.

 

Concentrating on his work was hard after Rey left. His minds kept wandering back to her words and the way she’d looked; looked up to him, nibbling on her lower lip. (Bad idea, he was in his office after all); looking back over her shoulder when she left, almost disappointed.

He sighed and rested his head on his arms. He pictured her dancing at the club, having fun with her friends, drawing looks wherever she went, probably being chatted up; at this thought jealousy flared up and coiled tight in his gut. He stood up and paced through his office, trying to get his feelings under control. He was a mess; right now he was in no state to even contemplate pursuing whatever he imagined might have been in her gaze, and yet …

He went over to the small wardrobe in which he always kept a spare shirt and jacket for emergencies; for mornings after he spent the night at the office. Today’s emergency apparently consistent of going to a club, something he hadn’t done since college.

 

Loud music greeted him, when he entered Starkiller. He needed a couple of moments to allow his eyes adjust to the dim light, and then looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. There were so many people, and he nearly lost hope to find her, as he slowly made his way around the premises. He spotted Finn and his fiancé on the dancefloor, and then, finally, he noticed Rey standing in the far corner. She was talking to a man, but she looked uncomfortable, hugging herself, and not looking at the guy who’d just taken a step closer to her.

He stepped to the bar, shamelessly using his height to get the attention of the barkeeper, and ordered two glasses of sparkling wine. He had some rather nasty glances directed his way, but he couldn’t care less. When he finally had the drinks in his hands, and was on his way over to Rey, the DJ announced that it was less than five minutes until the New Year.

“I’m sorry it took me so long, but the bar’s crowded.” He had to shout to make himself heard, and when he reached Rey, he held out one glass to her. Her head snapped up, and slowly a smile spread on her lips.

“I was talking to the lady, get in line!” the slightly drunk, blond guy who had been trying to chat up Rey snapped at him. Kylo glared back, handed Rey one of the glasses and moved, so he was standing next to her and could put his arm around her shoulder.

“I told you, I wasn’t alone here. You didn’t believe me.” Rey sounded relieved.

“What guy leaves his woman alone – “

“The kind that gets her something to drink, obviously,” Kylo snarled, losing patience.

“I don’t believe that this is your boyfriend. Prove it,” the drunken man slurred and tried to move closer to Rey, but Kylo instantly maneuvered her behind him, and grabbed the collar of the man’s shirt with his free hand.

“Listen buddy, if a woman tells you she has a boyfriend, she doesn’t have to prove that to you. You just believe her and admit defeat, got it?”

When the other man started to open his mouth, Kylo tightened his grip, which caused him to throw up both arms in a placating gesture. When Kylo released him, he shot a nasty glare in Rey’s direction.

“Bitch!” he spat out, at which Kylo, already halfway turned back towards Rey, whirled around, and only Rey’s hand on his arm held him back from throwing a punch. His eyes fell on her hand gripping his arm, and he took a couple of deep breaths, trying to get his anger under control.

“I – “

“Thank you,” she said. “Men like him really can make a girl want to swear off dating. That’s why I didn’t want to come here initially, but my friends didn’t want me to be alone tonight.” Kylo had to bend down, his ear close to her mouth to hear what she was saying.

“You are not alone,” he said, his lips brushing her cheek.

“Neither are you.”

At her words he felt the last shards of ice inside his breast melt away, flooded by a sudden warmth.

“What happened to working and watching the fireworks,” she then asked him.

“You happened. I couldn’t get you out of my mind,” he replied, and let his eyes dance across her face. Distantly he realized, that people around them had started to count down the last seconds of the year.

“I’m glad you came.”

_‘Seven!’ – ‘Six!’ – ‘Five!’_

“Yeah, me too.”

_‘Four!’ – ‘Three!’_

He raised his glass.

_‘Two!’ - ‘One!’_

“Happy New Year, Rey,” he whispered.

“Happy New Year!”

Their glasses clinked, and Rey rose on her toes to brush her lips against his. Ben fully intended to leave it at that chaste kiss, but then Rey’s free hand reached out to rest against his neck, and she deepened the kiss – and all his good intentions were forgotten. When her tongue flittered against his upper lip, his arm drew her closer, and he tasted her fully.

She tasted like hope.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

January flew by with unexpected speed. Work was becoming less strenuous, Ackbar and the new executives having apparently decided not to strip down _First Order_ , and that he could be trusted with handling their legal matters in the foreseeable future. Which was a blessing, because he had taken on responsibility for the healthcare of a child.

When he had picked up the boy for his examination with Dr. Holdo, one of his mother’s friends and a brilliant pediatrician, he first hid behind Mrs. Kanata and didn’t want to come with him, but once he sat in his car, he thawed up and started to chatter incessantly. By the time he was called in for his examination, he was comfortable enough to grab his hand and pull him in with him.

Dr. Holdo was focused on her patient and didn’t really notice him at first, which was fine by him. Only when she started discussing BeeBee’s medical records with him, and he admitted to only having stepped up to become BeeBees respite care provider recently and wanted to have her expertise as a second opinion, did she look up – and freeze.

“What did you say your name was?” she asked rather bewildered, her gaze flickering between his face and her computer screen.

“Ren.” He briefly contemplated leaving it at that. She hadn’t seen him in more than fifteen years, and probably could get away with it, but it didn’t seem right. Not anymore.

“ – but you probably remember me as Leia’s son?”

As if he understood Kylo’s unease at that moment, the boy took his hand again, squeezed it, and did not let go of it for the duration of their visit. Dr. Holdo’s manner towards him was frozen after his admission, but BeeBee was treated with utmost care and professionalism. Only when, after explaining the options to him, he told her he’d pay for everything Medicaid wouldn’t cover, did she blink and regard him with curiosity, letting her rather frosty demeanor towards him warm a little.

BeeBee wanted him present for his treatments, and he indulged the boy. If, for whatever reason the boy trusted in him, he would be there for him, no matter what. After the first dose of antibodies was administered, BeeBee started to run a fever, but once that subsided, he actually felt better, not needing his inhalers quite as often as he used to.

 

Kylo also started to see a therapist; if he ever wanted to be in a healthy relationship – preferable with Rey – then he needed to work on his communication skills and problem-solving strategies; and on resolving his issues with his parents. Which he really tried to do; by calling his mother on a – more or less – regular basis, and even spending a weekend with them, on which in stark contrast to his first visit at Christmas actual talking happened. Even some yelling and smashing of doors might have occurred – on his father’s part, not on his.

Apart from all that, Rey happened. He had no better words to describe what was going on between them, but that Rey happened upon him. They agreed to take it slow, to let him figure out his life and give her the chance to get to know him, before they took their relationship one step further. He was willing to give her the chance to back out of whatever they were, before they were in too deep, but Rey made it unbelievably hard for him take it slow with the way her face lit up whenever he was entering the café after he got off work, or the way she kissed him in front of her apartment after he accompanied her home after a date. Of course, his temper flared on a regular basis on their outings - when their reservation had been mixed up for example, or the waiter might have been flirting a bit too much with Rey for his liking, but all it took to calm him down was a simple touch of Rey’s hand, and all anger would melt away in an instant.

They talked a lot; Kylo talking about his privileged upbringing in Chandrila and his estrangement from his parents, that he hadn’t had contact with his family basically since his high school graduation until last Christmas, about Snoke and the way he’d manipulated him since the day he’d taken him in. On her part Rey told him about the years she spent in foster care after her parents just left her one day, about the abusive guardian she had to live with until she couldn’t take anymore and ran away at the age of 16, about living on the streets and taking on odd jobs to survive until she met Finn Trooper, who offered her the spare bedroom in his flat and whom she owed for all the turns for the better her life had taken after their first meeting.

Kylo marveled at her resilience, at how she could still be so positive about everything with all the negative things she had to live through. It made him look back at his own upbringing with a different mindset.

He loved taking her out to eat. One day he would love to cook for her, but if he invited her into his apartment, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands from her, and so that had to wait until their relationship had progressed. Food had never been taken for granted during her adolescence; her guardian often withheld food as punishment, and later, while living on the streets, she never knew where her next meal would come from. All her experiences led to Rey savoring every bite she took, and watching her eyes flutter close and a smile spreading on her face after tasting the first sample of something, was an almost erotic sight; one that wove itself frequently into Kylo’s night time fantasies.

In between bites while sharing a cheesecake, Rey suddenly asked him whether he knew any Ben’s in Chandrila. He nearly choked at that question, and had to take a big gulp of water.

“Everything all right?”

“Yeah, one shouldn’t swallow and breathe at the same time.” He waved his hand vaguely in front of his face.

“So, did you know a Ben growing up?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I was picked up by social services in Chandrila. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before. My parents and I were - I think - squatting in an old abandoned house there; until they moved on but conveniently left me behind,” she explained to him.  “I spent much time at a playground near that house while waiting for their return, and met a boy there. He was much older than me, already a teenager. He looked after me. Brought me food, read me stories, played with me. Wrapped me in his scarf, so I wouldn’t be too cold.” Kylo’s breath hitched when he processed what she was saying.  “When social services picked me up, they didn’t let me go back to our playground one last time to say goodbye to him.”

Kylo took her hand and squeezed it, completely dumbfounded. That couldn’t be coincidence.

“I went back later, after I’d ran away from Plutt, asked around if anybody knew what became of him, but searching for a dark-haired man named Ben had been a rather futile attempt. Like trying to find a needle in a haystack.” A sad smile played around her lips. “I really would have loved to see him again, tell him how thankful I am, and that I still think of him.”

“I knew a Ben,” he couldn’t help but say.

“Really, what did he look like? My Ben had dark hair, and he seemed to be tall, but I was just six years old, so everybody was tall. I don’t remember much more.”

“Rey, I have something at home, I’d like to show you. It might concern this Ben,” he haltingly said. “I could bring it tomorrow – “

“Why don’t you show me tonight?,” she beamed and looked at him hopefully.

He couldn’t deny her anything, even if having her in his apartment would be hell, because they had agreed on taking it slow. The ride up in the elevator had already been difficult, being so close to her, smelling her perfume, holding her small hand in his large one.

Upon entering his apartment, he led her straight into his living room, the sight of which caused her to yelp.

“You know, my whole apartment probably would fit into this room alone!” she exclaimed.

Kylo made sure she was comfortable, and then went into his bedroom, where he kept a rather special item in a box at the bottom of his wardrobe – an old ragdoll covered in orange cloth, which he retrieved from the floor of an abandoned house seemingly a lifetime ago. Clutching the ragdoll in his shaking hands, he returned to Rey and sat next to her on the sofa.

“Kylo,” Rey tentatively asked, searching his face with her eyes. “Is everything all right? You seemed … preoccupied ever since we left the restaurant.”

“Here, that’s what I wanted to show you.”

Her eyes followed his line of sight down to his hands, where he cradled the ragdoll in his lap. Her mouth fell open, and she exhaled audibly.

“Where … How …” Rey reached out and took the doll out of his hands, almost reverently.

“Two days after you stopped coming to our playground, I went into the house you told me you lived.” Her eyes snapped up to his face. “I found it on a lumpy mattress in one of the rooms on the second floor.”

“But you called yourself Ben,” she whispered.

“Because that was my name. I had it legally changed after I decided to … distance myself from my family.”

“You really are my Ben?” Rey looked at him full of wonder, and then her hand came up to cradle his face and pull him towards her, and their lips met in a tender kiss.

To Kylo, meeting Rey seemed like destiny. Even when she had still been a kid, her presence had soothed him and made him want to be a better person, and now, after meeting her again, she was the shining light which had illuminated the crossroads he’d found himself at, and pointed him into the right direction. Without her he’d probably ended up a bitter man like Snoke had been, even worse than Ebenezer Scrooge before the Christmas spirits’ visit. But now with her in his arms, his future seemed bright and full of happiness, and he’d spend his whole life aspiring to be the man Rey deserves.

Who knows, maybe one day he’d succeed in that endeavor.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank the wonderful [Vivien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivien) (shelikespretties) for betaing this story. All remaining errors are mine alone.


End file.
